The Official Dalton Academy Warblers Handbook
by AdamPascalFan
Summary: As compiled by one Wesley Kim...all the rules you need to know in order to be a proper and appropriate Warbler.  Co-written with Spookykat
1. Chapter 1

The Official Dalton Academy Warblers Handbook

Compiled by Wesley Kim

With an Introduction by David Bryant and Thad Hamilton

Introduction

The Warblers have a long and rich history, dating back to the founding of Dalton Academy in 1805. Unfortunately, due to some rather naïve beliefs about proper young men, supervision and their access to both flammable materials and accelerants, much of the history prior to 1929 is sadly lost to all history save some traditions that have been handed down from Warbler to Warbler.

Oral tradition is a valuable and highly honored form of communication dating back further than our uninterrupted line of warblers, and it is a tradition that has served us well. However, it has come to the attention of the current Warblers' Council that there are certain advantages to breaking with tradition and organizing all our traditions and rules in one place for the sake of posterity. This shall serve as a written reminder of all that our Warbler forefathers have experienced, and is intended to be a guide for all the Warblers in the future. For this Council's immediate purposes, however, the reason for writing this is mainly so a certain countertenor can stop claiming the Council is just making up their objections based on "fear of being fabulous."

(And it gives a certain Council President something to obsess over now that competition season is over and quite frankly this was the only way to get that gavel out of his hand even temporarily. Please see Proper Gavel Procedures. The Warblers responsible for writing this portion of the Handbook would like to stress that they had nothing to do with that section. At all. We have normal and healthy feelings towards gavels.)

Right. Back to why this handbook is needed. (And _please_ do not show Wes this part until after it's published ok? Please? Gavels _hurt _when they're thrown we'll have you know.)

To compile this handbook, we have consulted every surviving written document of Warbler history, and interviewed many alumni who were reported to be witnesses to the event whenever possible, and scoured the Westerfield public records to ensure its accuracy. In this process, we have personally gained a newfound appreciation for the Warbler tradition, and have learned many things that have been either forgotten or deemed unimportant by previous Councils. For example, we have had to move President James A. Garfield up on our list of Greatest Presidents upon learning he had once been a fellow Warbler (He would have been number one but the Garfield Stipulation, which will be explained later, caused such a debate we placed him fourth. Warbler Jeff is very sensitive and couldn't stand the fighting any more). Such an omission from history should never happen again. After all, if we forget our history, it's just a short walk to accompanying ourselves with kazoos. Again. Indeed, wasn't the Great Kazoo Disaster of 1934 just a lesson for us all? We think it was.

So it is our fervent hope that all current and future Warblers will commit this handbook to memory and understand there are very valid reasons for the way the Council runs the group. Of course, we cannot predict the future (certain members being fashion-forward or not, that is not the same as being psychic, neither is predicting certain Warblers romantic involvement. That's called paying attention) so we have included a way of amending this handbook should the need arise for addendums. Following the example of the United States Congress (although hopefully, without the scandal and the corruption), the measure must pass the two-thirds majority needed of the current membership and the alumni board.

Also, please note that it is mandatory to sign the statement at the end of the book verifying that you have, in fact, completed reading it which states that you agree to abide by all the rules listed within, in addition to any addendums made in the future. It must be said that after an unspecified time in which a new Warbler is instated, there will be a test, the means by which new Warbler is tested is left up to the discretion of the Warbler's Council (Note, again the authors of this section wish to reiterate that the previous statement was added under duress. _Gavels_. They hurt).

-David Bryant (Historian, Warblers Council 2010-2011) and Thad Hamilton (Vice President, Warblers Council 2010-2011)

**Author's note: this is the crackiest thing i've ever done. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Holy snood you all! We are so plesantly shocked and surprised you've enjoyed this as much as we did writing it. Honestly we're just trying to make ourselves laugh and that anyone else finds it funny is just awesomesauce. And no we have no idea how we are coming up with this so quickly. Enjoy!**

**A Note from the Author**

First, I feel that it is necessary to explain why we've included the asides. As the club officer function stipulates in Section II, Article B, it is the duty of the Warbler Secretary to record everything that goes on in Warbler meetings in order to preserve the record. In light of the recent discoveries made in this project, it has come to our attention that the Warbler Secretary has omitted goings-on in the past, and therefore, in order to correct this oversight, it is necessary to record everything (and we mean everything!) so that future Warblers will not be able to question future head-council authority. Also, I personally think it might give you an idea as to what I have to put up with. Certain members (who shall remain nameless) will no doubt find it useful when talking to their therapists or parole officers, whichever happen to come first.

Furthermore, I feel I must defend myself when it comes to my relationship with the gavel. As the current Head Council of the Warblers (see Section II, Article A), it is my right and bounded duty to use the gavel as I see fit. I hold that responsibility sacred, and I cherish my authority as leader of one of the most prestigious groups on Dalton campus. That said, I feel I must clarify that contrary to the co-Council's beliefs, I do not have an unhealthy attitude regarding gavels; I am merely zealous in mandating as I deem necessary for the good of the group. (It is in the Head Council Handbook. No, Kurt, you are not allowed to see it as it is for Head Council Eyes Only! TRUST ME! IT EXISTS!).

Right. Back to the matter at hand. It is important to note that this handbook details not only how a Warbler should behave himself, but also explains why we have the rules that we do. I will not always be here to supply historic references (quit looking so happy about that fact, Blaine!). Trivial facts aren't just useless information, people!

-Wesley Alouicious Kim III (Warblers Council President 2010-2011)

(_Historian_…not Secretary Wes. Zealous. That's one word for it. And give it up. We all know your middle name is Albert. – David)

(David, why would I lie about having a middle name like Alouicious? It's a family name! David Shaka Bryant, I wouldn't judge if I were you! -Wes)

**I. Warbler Selection and Audition Process**

Generally, Warblers are selected on the basis of talent and the council's beliefs that prospective members are a good fit for the group. Hummel Exception aside, Warblers are NOT selected based on physical attraction of an established member.

If a Dalton student is asked to join, each prospective Warbler shall audition in front of the current Warblers and council members, and their admittance will be determined by a 2/3 majority.

It is best that one auditions with Top 40 Hits. Broadway standards make us cranky. Excepting _Jersey Boys, _which is really Beach Boys music. However, other so-called jukebox musicals, such as _Mama Mia_ are definitely not appropriate, as disco music is strictly forbidden. See The Mugsie Rule.

During a prospective Warbler's audition, it is recommended although not specifically required to perform a cappella. If accompaniment must be used, only moderate guitar or piano will be acceptable. No elaborate orchestral arrangements. No jazz ensemble. And under no circumstances ever will kazoos be permitted. Also theatrical elements such as overdramatic hand gestures, costumes and pyrotechnics are frowned upon. However if a prospective member feels the need to jump on furniture during the course of his audition, that is perfectly within the spectrum of permissibility.

In certain extreme circumstances, it is possible for a prospective Warbler to be accepted into full membership without the necessary audition. Requests for such consideration will first be presented by a current Warbler to the Council and upon the Council's approval, and then presented to the entire membership. Again, per the Hummel Exception, said presentation should not include references to the prospective candidate being "adorable," or any related terms of endearment (The Council may be open minded and tolerant but love-sickness is still revolting to watch in any situation). When considering a prospective Warbler sans audition, the following criteria may be taken into consideration: the candidate's vocal range, current circumstances, and previous performance experience. Acceptable performance experience includes and is not limited to previous glee club membership, barber shop quartets, and previous employment at Kings Island or Cedar Pointe in the entertainment department. Prospective Warblers with experience at Disney World or Disneyland or similar parks will need to be considered on a case by case basis as the pre-requisite perkiness required for employment may in fact cause some of the current membership to violate the zero tolerance bullying policy at pre-school rehearsals. Or at least before morning lattes.

When approved for membership, new Warblers will be notified about their selection via a public performance outside their assigned homeroom. While there are no specifics regarding welcome songs listed in any previous Warbler history, it is the current Council's strong recommendation that any public serenade not make any references to "keeping your toys in the drawer tonight." (For further clarification see "GAP Fiasco") It is most prudent to use the Anderson Principle: if the Warbler who chooses the most inappropriate songs imaginable thinks the song is a good idea, another song should be chosen immediately (Blaine, don't you dare wrinkle your eyebrows of doom at me. It comes from a place of love, but it's true! Really, in what universe did you think a song about sex toys would GO OVER WELL?)

Prospective candidates who are not deemed eligible for Warbler membership will receive a lovely pen and pencil set. (Don't make that face David. It is a very appropriate and highly classy move.)


	3. Chapter 3

**II. Officers and The Role of the Council**

Leadership of the Warblers is comprised officially of a three-member student led council and (when appropriate to do so and when he isn't choosing sex songs as performance choices. Please note, if the Council accepts the painfully oblivious excuse of the soloist didn't know it was a sex song once, certain members of the Council will be disinclined to allow such potentially polarizing choices to be permitted in the future) the primary soloist.

The Council is the highest authority of The Warbler Organization because this organization does not have a faculty advisor. The Warblers have been permitted to be without the normally required faculty sponsorship since 1914, when during an a trip to Columbus to see then-President Woodrow Wilson the faculty advisor, an English teacher believed to be the infamous Shelley (of the well known Shelley Curse) whispered among students at finals, made a drunken spectacle of himself during the speech by unflatteringly saying the Warblers were named after the double-chin of the wife of an important advisor of the President. The teacher in question was promptly dismissed and as it wasn't competition season (and there were no Gaps at this time, or nursing homes to perform in) the Warblers were allowed to remain without an advisor for the rest of the year. With the subsequent entry into World War I depleting the pool of acceptable candidates for Faculty Advisor, the requirement was eventually dropped from the initial founding charter of the Warblers. (And I would just like to point out the scant record from this period does, in fact, contain numerous mentions of gavels, so there is precedence and you all need to just let it go. The gavel is staying.)

However, as per Warbler Kurt's suggestion, there has been a proviso added to this policy known henceforth as the Sue Sylvester Stipulation. If a competing glee club attempts to ban Warblers from competition on the grounds that we do not have a faculty advisor, the Dean himself has generously agreed to be the official Warbler faculty advisor should the need arise.

(Generous my ass. I caught him in a…uh…compromising position. Suffice it to say, it comes in handy to have the Dean under your thumb every now and then. And the rest of the current Warblers would like to point out that Wes really needs a girlfriend. _Badly_. And they are a little disappointed in Warbler Kurt for not thinking of using his resources at McKinley High to rectify this situation.-David)

(That would be because I actually like the friends I have there and want to keep it that way. Now if you want to actually discuss changing the piping on the jackets? I'll consider it. - Kurt)

It is clear that the current members (and hopefully future Presidents will not have this issue that I am repeatedly forced to deal with), need to be reminded about what exactly the duties of the President of the Council consist of. With any position of such great power comes great responsibility. (Ok I told you all. Don't let him watch _Spiderman_. Honestly. Listen to me. – David) As I was saying, the President is, in many ways, the public face of the Warblers within the halls of Dalton. He is the liaison between the general Warbler members and the administration of the school. He is also charged with budgetary management and must ensure the meetings run in a timely, productive and orderly manner. During competition season, the President is responsible for ensuring all regulations regarding registration are followed and is the representative to interact with the judges. In short, it's a lot more than just sitting around and banging a gavel so quit saying that.

The Vice President will step in for the President if he is unfit for duty. His primary function in meetings is to read the agenda. (Actually I'm also in charge of creating that budget you manage Wesley. I'll thank you to quit mocking me sir! – Thad)

The third member of the council is the Secretary (_Historian_! It's not that hard to remember and you're just doing this because I let Kurt bedazzle your gavel – David). It is the job of the Secretary (HISTORIAN!) to record the official minutes of every meeting of the general membership and the Council meetings. The Secretary (HIS-TOR-I-AN. HISTORIAN) is also responsible for keeping a list of all songs performed in all performances, both impromptu and planned, so an embarrassment such as singing the same set list twice (as in the shameful affair known as the Crawford-McCauley Debacle in 1952 whereby the same set of songs were chosen to sing to two different all-girls' schools and the soloist accidentally thanked the lovely ladies of McCauley for their hospitality during the visit at Crawford Country Day, thereby limiting the dating pool of then-current and immediately future Warblers by a considerable margin) does not occur. Should the Council choose to preview a possible competition song for an audience; he is also responsible for taking an exit poll to gauge the effectiveness of the song. For future reference, said answers should include more constructive performance notes than "The soloist is so cute." Or "Seriously, if those guys had made out? Been so hot."

(For the last time, that's what they said. It's not my fault two certain someones were living in denial about just being friends or not being completely obvious. And come on, like the big phallic bubble machine HELPED with that issue! Let it go, Wes. Let it go. – David)

Although not an official member of the Council per se, the lead soloist is often consulted by the Council when it comes to song selection. Although the Council ultimately has final song selection, in certain cases soloists who have proven themselves not obsessed with singing sex songs in public are permitted to choose songs independent of Council approval. It should go without saying that said privilege is better served for impromptu performances rather than major competitions such as Regionals but it apparently needs to be said. The lead soloist is preferably an upperclassman with at least a year of Warbler membership. Dancing skills, while not a current requirement for membership, are preferable but jumping on inanimate objects and throwing massive amounts of paper in the air are reasonable substitutes.

There has been some mention in the available history in which a secondary soloist is necessary. While the current leadership has not seen the need for it during this school year, it must be stated that should future Warblers decide to pursue this option, the primary and secondary soloist cannot use rehearsal time to practice making out. Furthermore, the primary soloist should not use the opportunity as an excuse to spend time with the secondary soloist. Any time allotted for practicing should be spent actually practicing the duet, not perfecting kissing skills. Any and all activities pertaining to romantic pursuits should be done outside of rehearsal.

(Kurt and Blaine, we're happy for you guys, we really are. But you're giving us all caviities! Stop it!—Wes, David, et. al. )


	4. Chapter 4

**Here it is MY birthday and you all are getting the presents. How does that work? **

**Proper Mascot Procedure**

The Warbler's mascot is the most esteemed member of our organization. Since 1932, when Warbler Julian Henry Dick (Shut up, guys, that's his real last name. I can show you the records if you'd like—Wes.) brought his beloved yellow canary Enrico, named for beloved Italian tenor Enrico Caruso, because he was certain that if he stayed at home, he'd be housed in his parents' aviary with other warblers. Warbler Julian, distraught that Enrico would forget him, and when he came back, he wouldn't be able to tell Enrico apart from the rest of the flock, Julian brought Enrico along. Enrico would accompany Julian to meetings, out of fear that his roommate would actually carry out threats to torture the poor creature. The Warblers wound up winning the first-ever competition that year, and ever since, the canary has been our mascot.

The mascot must only be a male yellow canary (_Serinus canaria)_. (No, David, a talking Tweety Bird or Big Bird are not acceptable choices for a position of such high honor as our Mascot. While they are, in fact, canaries, they are fictional characters, do not actually sing that well, and are therefore not suitable substitutes for the mascot. I repeat: THEY AREN'T REAL, DAVID!)

(Again, Wes needs a girlfriend and soon. Kurt, I will let you design new uniforms. You can give me a makeover. Name your price. – David)

(Again, David, as much as that sweetens the pot, I don't hate any of the New Directions girls enough to subject them to THAT. –Kurt)

The mascot must come from the same ancestry as Enrico, and every canary must be named for either a famous Tenor or Baritone. (No, Kurt, we cannot name the next Mascot Lady Gaga. Or Josh, even though Josh Groban is, in fact a fine tenor, really, Kurt…what kind of name is Josh for a Canary?).

(Josh Groban is judging you right now, Wes. And probably sleeping with your mom. –Kurt)

(Kurt, I can assure you, Mr. Groban is NOT sleeping with my mom. –Wes)

(If she likes a little nip of the cooking sherry every now and then, you never know! He likes older women who booze it up, apparently—Kurt).

(If that IS true, all the more reason to refrain from naming the next Warbler Mascot Josh—Wes.)

Although it is unclear when the tradition began to bestow the newest Warbler with the most respected member of our group, it would seem that it is necessary to note that should a member find himself with the responsibility of the bird, it is recommended that he researches proper bird-care for canaries. Under no circumstances is it ever to be fed anything but actual bird seed and the occasional raw fruit and vegetable. The official warbler mascot to be fed glitter. AT ALL!

(For the last time, you all heard that from Finn. FINN! I love my stepbrother dearly, but this is the same guy who thinks you can get a girl pregnant from a hot-tub and that God speaks to him through a Grilled Cheese sandwich! I wasn't even a little bit serious when I told Finn that, and when I got Pav AFTER our parents got married! Honestly! Give me a little credit, guys! –Kurt).

The mascot must be present at all meetings, and must be included as attending in the meeting minutes just like any other Warbler. The Mascot must also be present at all competitions as the last time a Mascot was left behind, the bus provided to the 1985 Warblers to compete in the Cincinnati All Sing broke down on a particularly desolate section of road and the locals were, in a manner of speaking, not that fond of young gentlemen from private schools offering to pay for repair services through a medley of Cyndi Lauper and Madonna songs. And the suggestion to perform the now classic _Wake Me Up Before You Go Go_ Regionals routine. (This routine will be further discussed in the section outlining appropriate performance attire. We would have won Nationals that year if it wasn't for those bike shorts.)

(This is the first and last time I will ever compliment your taste Wes, but there is never a good reason for bike shorts. – Kurt)

In the unfortunate circumstances of the death of a Mascot, the now deceased Mascot shall be mourned for a period of no more than a week. During this time, a proper burial shall be planned and executed by the Warbler in charge of his care and feeding. It is also required for the departed Mascot to lie in state in the practice room so all may honor him, and an appropriate tribute song offered in his memory.

(Wouldn't dead bird kind of…start to um…smell bad after a while? I doubt the cleaning staff will just leave a dead bird lying around –Jeff)

(That's what Fabreeze is for! –Kurt)

It also seems prudent to mention for future generations that while undertaking the planning of a Mascot funeral, it would be highly beneficial if the funeral planner doesn't make out with his significant other on top of the casket. (Yes we noticed. Blaine had rhinestones glued to his hand for two days. It was a little hard to not notice.)

(We weren't making out on top of the casket. You guys didn't see how t_iny_ that box was! I know I'm small, but I'm not THAT small! Kurt was in the middle of that project at the time and all these rhinestones were laid out and…well, I didn't exactly plan that. And…it just…–Blaine)

(Warbler Kurt, this is the last and only time I will encourage public displays of affection during a meeting, but could you please do us all a favor and shut Warbler Blaine up? He's starting to embarrass himself. Again. –Wes)

(We all know how Warbler Kurt does that…-Thad)

(Warbler Kurt, I think you've sufficiently shut him up…Warbler Kurt? Someone get me a hose…-Wes)


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you all for the birthday wishes. It was much appreciated.**

**IV. Proper Gavel Procedures**

(The majority of the current membership of the Warblers would like to take this opportunity to stress _once again _that we strongly argued against this particular section being included in the handbook. We would also like to remind our future Warblers that gavels hurt when they are thrown at you and to be careful not to elect a power-crazed, tradition-obsessed individual who seriously wishes he could re-write Roberts Rules of Order whackadoo as the Council President – The entirety of the Warblers membership sans one Wes "Ninja Hands" Kim)

(I can read you know. And for the last time I didn't throw the gavel at anyone. It slipped out of my hands. And whackadoo? Really? That's the best your Dalton educated minds can come up with? – Wes)

(Yeah it _slipped_ out of your hands fifteen times near fifteen different members. That's some talented slipping you have going on.- David)

(It mysteriously slipped out of your hands just like Bill Clinton's semen mysteriously appeared on Monica Lewinsky's dress. It's a conspiracy, I tell you! A conspiracy that threatens the very fabric of our nation! -Thad)

In an organization such as ours, it is imperative the meetings must be run in an orderly and precise fashion. Without our rules and regulations, chaos would reign supreme and then we would be no better than the lacrosse team.

(Oh! That reminds me, guys the lacrosse team challenged us to Frisbee golf this weekend. Who's in? – Trent)

(Me! – David, Thad, Jeff, Blaine, Nick, Chris, Theo, Jon and Steven)

(What in the name of all that is holy is Frisbee golf? – Kurt)

As I was saying, it is up to the president to maintain the high Warbler standards of order and regulations in informal meetings, song selection meetings and formal practice sessions. While the entire membership is expected to be familiar with the Robert's Rules of Order (a copy will be provided to new Warblers once membership is confirmed lest we have another embarrassing "making jokes about killing our beloved mascot" SNAFU), there are times when an unexpected bout of immaturity sweeps through the ranks. In these cases, there is but one tool that is paramount in restoring order: the gavel.

(Do you think this is going take a long time? I have study group tonight and I have got to watch _General Hospital_ before I go. The big sweeps stunt kicks off today and I have to see what they are going to blow the entire budget on blowing up this time.- Jeff)

(_General Hospital_? Really? Really? How can you watch that trash? – Kurt)

(Don't you have _Days of Our Lives_ on your DVR? – Blaine)

(I wasn't judging Jeff for watching soaps. I was judging what soap he chooses to watch. Everyone knows the ratio of gorgeous men randomly walking around half-dressed to fully dressed men on _his_ show is pathetically low. Plus, they think the height of fashion is a black t-shirt and jeans. Not to mention their plot "twists" are so predictable I can see them coming a mile away. Honestly, Blaine! Even you know better than that.– Kurt)

Often there is no more effective way to silence side conversations and outright defiance of meeting regulations than the loud, solid clang of wood meeting wood.

(Is he composing…poetry? – Nick)

(Look at him. He's got that dreamy look in his eye again.—Trent)

(Just be glad he's not writing love sonnets comparing it to a summer's day.- David)

The gavel is the utmost symbol of authority a Warbler can have and as such it must be treated with the respect and dignity it deserves. The gavel should be cared for in such a way...

(Resist the urge to make a dirty joke. Must resist the urge. – Thad)

To protect the gavel, it should be housed in a wooden case and be polished regularly.

(FIGHTING TO NOT MAKE A POLISHING THE GAVEL JOKE. FIGHTING HARD. –Thad)

(Thad, could you please stop objectifying Mr. Bangy? You're starting to offend him.)

(Wes, seriously. Please stop Wes. Please. I beg of you. You're going to get this handbook on the banned books list for pornography. Just stop. Stop. – David)

(OH MY GOD, did he just call it Mr. Bangy? -Jeff)

(Soooo many dirty jokes. Sooooo little time.—Thad)

(And the mystery of why his girlfriend dumped him, gentlemen, has officially been solved. –Nick)

The gavel should only be used to demonstrate the authority of the president as it pertains to the executive duties of his office. In the rare occasion the president is unable to fulfill his duties, then the responsibility of the gavel-wielding will fall to the Vice President.

(Did you hear that guys? Wes is going to let me touch his gavel! – Thad)

(And here you told me Wes was straight and David wanted me to find him a girlfriend. He wants _Thad_ to touch his gavel. – Kurt)

(It's always the ones you least expect. – Blaine)

(Oh grow up. All of you. – Wes)

(That was a storm out worthy of Rachel Berry herself. At least he didn't throw his precious gavel this time.- Kurt)

(_OW! _– David)

(Spoke to soon – Kurt)


	6. Chapter 6

**Section V**

**Proper Meeting Procedures**

(Really, Wes, can't we be just a little bit more imaginative in the next chapter? Section III was Proper Mascot Procedures. Section IV was Proper Gavel Procedures. Why can't Section V be a little more creative? How about...Methods to Conduct a Meeting or Making Meetings Matter? –Thad)

(Thad, the title's staying. Deal with it.) Throughout the decades, this esteemed organization has proudly maintained high esteem and standards. The way this has been accomplished is through discipline and strong leadership. Although the organization may have changed names throughout the years (at its earliest incarnation, we were The Songbird Brotherhood. Apparently our esteemed founder, Archibald Riker was an avid bird-watcher, and saw his fine feathered friends as inspiration. Once, he even went so far as to actually attempt to defecate on someone's head, just like a bird is wont to do. However, he was thrown in the stocks for a day when caught for public indecency.)

(I am SO glad that didn't last. –Jeff.)

Ahem. So first, we were known as the Songbird Brotherhood, and then, it was The Warbler Brotherhood, then Warbler Committee. Then, from 1965 to 1978, it was known as the Warblers' Nest. Much to the relief of the current Warbler members, those damn hippies got drummed out of Dalton for smoking pot and sanity was restored, however, it was several years before the name change was official again, as the leading members were regularly being thrown out for various reasons, most of which included protesting in the Civil Rights movements, but mostly refusal to wear the Dalton uniform, insistence on blaring Jimi Hendrix and various other forms of rebellion, including, but not limited to, drug use. Apparently the cafeteria was banned from serving poppy-seed muffins and mushrooms at this time, because they were under the misguided notion that one could get high off of such substances and Warbler Stewart "Peacetrain" Johnstone got himself expelled for stealing such items and trying to make them into illicit substances.

As was stated in Section IV, every Warbler meeting must be conducted in an orderly, organized fashion. As stated in Section II, it is the president's responsibility to keep the meeting flowing as smoothly as possible. This is achieved by following a strict set of rules which have been in place for decades and with the strength of the trusty gavel…

(He's got that look in his eye again. –Nick)

Gentlemen, please. Could we, oh, I don't know…NOT act like five year olds for two seconds? (I apologize, Mr. Bangy, I know that was painful….)

(Oh Sweet Baby Jesus…he's apologizing to it! –Theo.)

(Do you WANT some punishment from Mr. Bangy, Warbler Theo?)

(The way this is going, we're going to be arrested for being in possession of child porn and abuse against minors if this gets in the wrong hands. Just...in the name of all that is good and holy, PLEASE…stop! -David)

(I think Wes has seen those movies we were talking about –Kurt.)

(I doubt he's worried about what their mothers think or about tattoo placement –Blaine.)

(Wes, please please PLEASE stop referring to the gavel as Mr. Bangy. You're making the guys giggle like little girls. –David)

Rule Number One…

(Yes, Theo, do you want some punishment from Mr. Bangy? -Trent)

(No, I most definitely do not! I'm not into that sort of thing.—Theo)

(TMI, Theo! TMI! -The Whole Room)

FOR THE LAST TIME. RULE NUMBER ONE!

**Rule number one: attendance is mandatory, and tardiness will not be tolerated. **The only acceptable excuses for being absent is death bed illness, death of immediate family member and/or mascot in care of a Warbler, and televised marathons of Charmed.

(Oh, please! _Charmed_ marathons are acceptable, but _X-Files _and _Buffy _marathons aren't? -Thad.)

(_X-Files _and _Buffy? _Those shows have been off the air for like, a decade! Why not GOOD TV that's, oh, I don't know STILL ON THE AIR! LIKE _GREY'S ANATOMY_! -Kurt.)

(How dare you mock the genius of Joss Whedon! Insolent peasant! -Thad.)

(Did you just call my boyfriend an insolent peasant? -Blaine.)

(Gentlemen, please settle this outside of the Warbler room. We're never going to get this done at this rate.)

(For the sake of fairness, Wes, just take the _Charmed_ marathon Exception out. Please. –David.)

(_Fine. _But don't come crying to me when they finally air _Charmed _marathons and you miss Prue's death because Blaine and Kurt got distracted again.—Wes.)

(Necessary sacrifices are necessary. –David.)

**Rule Number Two: Meetings can only be cancelled by a unanimous vote of the Council. **Just because there is a blizzard in fifteen states or a nuclear holocaust doesn't mean it's an excuse to slack off on harmonies.

(If there's a nuclear holocaust, singing's not exactly going to be a priority –Nick.)

(It doesn't hurt to be prepared. –Wes.)

**Rule Number Three: All Warblers must attend meetings in Dalton attire.** The only exception to this rule is the death of a mascot. On this occasion, the Warbler who has been entrusted to its care may wear appropriate mourning attire during the week of the death.

**Rule Number Four: Warblers must focus only on the meeting at hand while in the Warbler room.** Cell phones and other communication devices must be turned off during meetings. (And yes, that means no sexting. No names. You know who you are.)

(Damn. –Kurt and Blaine.)

**Rule Number Five: the meeting will follow the official agenda as written by the president.** Deviations must be approved by two-thirds majority vote of the membership.

(Wes, you're just saying that because you don't' get to keep your _Charmed _rule in the book –Trent.)

(And your point?)

**Rule Number Six: For reasons that are better left unexplained, any playing of Spice Girls music or the movie Spice World is strictly forbidden and can be cause for immediate dismissal from The Warblers.** Also the music (and I use that term loosely) of Ke$ha and Justin Beiber. Rebecca Black, however, is absolutely acceptable.

**Rule Number Seven: No food or drink in the Warbler meeting room.** It is _hard_ to get stains out of leather and oriental rugs, people! Especially after Blaine stomps on furniture repeatedly with his "dancing!"

**Rule Number Eight: Meetings shall last precisely an hour except during competition season when they shall last two hours. **

(Someone needs to get his _Charmed _on. –Theo.)

(Or laid. One of the two. –Jon.)

**Rule Number Nine: What happens in a Warbler's meeting STAYS in a Warbler's meeting.**

(So I'll just delete that tweet about Wes needing to get laid.! –Jon.)

(Wise decision, sir! –Thad.)

(The sad part was it had been forwarded over a hundred times. –Jon.)

(Warbler fangirls seriously are the best! –Steven.)

(One of them sent me brownies once! –Chris.)

(You got brownies? No fair! All I got was a creepy lock of hair! –Nick.)

**Rule Number Ten: Always let the Wookie win.**

(YESSSSSS! BEST. RULE. EVER!–Blaine. )

(Blaine, your enthusiasm for Star Wars references concerns me. –Kurt.)

(But come on, you've got to admit it's good advice. –Blaine.)

(Blaine, Wookies aren't real. –Kurt.)

(Neither is Meg Ryan's lip implants, but a little fantasy never hurt anybody. –Blaine.)

(You leave Meg Ryan out of this! –Kurt.)


	7. Chapter 7

**VI. Performance Standards**

(Are you happy now Warbler Thad? – Wes)

(Immeasurably! –Thad.)

The Warblers have a long and proud tradition of performing with the highest standards in mind. Uniformity in both harmonies and choreography is what sets us apart from our show choir competition, and while tying for first may have been acceptable in the past, it is the goal of all Warblers current and future to become a vocal dynasty the likes of which this country hasn't seen since the Chapman College Choir in the early 90s.

(Wes, you do realize you just referenced _Sister Act 2_ and that it wasn't a documentary right? – Kurt)

(Sometimes, Kurt, fiction _does_ have its basis in reality.)

Even though we currently live in an age of easy digital recording and viral videos, one never knows when a technological disaster may occur and send us back into the dark ages known as the seventies. To that end, it seems most prudent to commit our standards on paper to ensure excellence.

**Standard One: Uniformity in all things.**

While it should go without saying (although I probably need to judging by the complete lack of attention the current membership pays to our rules and traditions) the strength of the Warblers lie in our harmonic capabilities. (And no Jeff, I am not saying you can bring your harmonica to practice. What part of no instrumentation do you not understand?) In order for our audience to fully appreciate the complexities in our arrangements, they must not be distracted in any way from the performance. Hence all Warblers must be in uniform at all times. This not only includes matching choreography but also appearance. (Further clarification of this standard will be explained in Standard 2)

While there may have been a few instances of attempts to flaunt this standard, and the results should stand as a reminder to all Warblers of the dangers of monkeying around with tradition. However for the sake of current Warblers who still think this is all being made up to personally deny him a chance at a mass makeover (which yes that is a benefit but it's not a _main _reason Kurt) I shall record just a handful of the examples history has taught us.

The Marlins Merengue Massacre of 1989, where an attempt at improvised steps during a performance to celebrate the success of the Cincinnati Marlins swim team at Nationals that year led to the entire bass line finding themselves in the deep end instead of providing the backbone of _My Prerogative_.

(And you all harass me about _MY_ song choices? Judging you all. – Blaine)

(Seconded. –Kurt.)

The Cleveland Catastrophe of 1956 where a supposedly innocent hand gesture by the President was misinterpreted as the beginning cue of _The Magic Touch_, which the membership gamely began performing for the entire convent.

**Standard Two: Dalton Uniforms Must Be Worn During Performances**

The wearing of uniforms is not merely a formality, it is a representation of our pride and respect for our school.

(It is also a sad commentary on your lack of imagination and presumed lack of taste – Kurt)

Even though Warbler Kurt's sarcasm comes through even in written form, he does, in fact, have a point. The uniform does prevent us from performing in some rather unfortunate fashion choices. I know I speak for all present Warblers when I say that the image of the bike shorts is a sight that cannot be unseen as much as we wish it so.

(Oh the Spandex! There are an astonishingly miniscule number of members who could pull that off. And just because you CAN wear Spandex, doesn't mean you SHOULD. I will need some serious _Vogue_ therapy if you keep talking about this Wes.- Kurt)

(Move on, Wes, or I will not be responsible for what I do. – Blaine)

However, not only does performing in uniforms give us a timeless appeal that span generations, it also is a safety concern. As the now famous Mugsie Incident proved, allowing teenage boys to choose their own width of bell bottoms while performing _Fernando_ will only lead to the entire membership being knocked into the helpless audience because someone got their platforms caught in the hem of their bellbottoms.

**Standard Three: Always be prepared and professional, striving to be worthy of Warbler excellence**

This standard can be simply explained as "don't sing about sex toys in public". Because it's singing about sex toys in public. Also, don't sing about them in the Gap because some of us actually like to shop there and now we can't so now we have to rely on our mothers to buy our jeans for us. If you must sing about sex toys in public, at least make it in Big Lots.

(There are so many levels of wrong in that sentence, I can't….I just…..no I'm sorry. I just can't be friends with you any more Wes. Just _no_. – Kurt)

**Standard Four: The Soloist sets the tone **

For many of our arrangements, the soloist is the first exposure our audience has to the traditional Warblers' sound. As such, the soloist is held to the highest standards of performance and isn't chosen for the honor if the Council does not think the standards will be upheld in an exemplary fashion. So it is reasonable for the general membership to follow the soloist's lead in the event of an onstage disaster such as overhead lights falling, power outage or flooding.

However this is not always the case and sometimes the membership should apply common sense (because really you guys the constant eye sex is not professional.) Even when Blaine does it. And Blaine you have to stop that. It's sending some serious mixed signals!

(Hey! You agreed the Warblers needed to get sexified! – Blaine)

(And a foam machine. Don't forget the foam machine.- Kurt)

(As if such a glorious phallic symbol _could _be forgotten! –Thad.)

(I also agreed to a duet between you and Kurt at Regionals. But what do you do? You two try to sex it up with a break up song. Honestly Blaine do you listen to the lyrics before you chose a song ever? – Wes)

(Trying to sex it up? Blaine, have you EXPLAINED to them the whole baby penguin thing? –Kurt.)

(Guys, that better not be a euphemism. –Nick)

(Ok, now I'm not going to see _Happy Feet _in quite the same way EVER again. –Jeff.)

(You know, even though he still badly needs a girlfriend or just to get laid, when the Gavel Thrower makes a point, he makes a point. – David)

(Well, we could've done _Unchained Melody_, but I think the judges would've made us stop the music. Especially if we re-enacted the pottery wheel scene in _Ghost_. –Blaine.)


	8. Chapter 8

**VII. Inter-Club Activities and Interactions**

**1.) All inter-club activities must be planned in advance and approved by a unanimous vote of The Council.**

While it is true no one has died since 1929…THERE IS NO REASON TO CHANCE IT! (Also, for security reasons, said events are to NEVER EVER happen near an airport. EVER. Or the mall for that matter.)

(You sing about sex toys ONE TIME…. –Blaine.)

**2.) Whenever possible, there should be an equal number of female participants to male, as squabbling about who has the best shot with the hottest girl seriously cuts into quality rehearsal time**.

(Oh, Wes….must you be so heteronormative? And for THE LAST TIME! I AM NOT setting you up with my New Directions friends! –Kurt.)

(Well, what about me? –David.)

(Will The Historian please indicate in the minutes that Warbler Kurt has raised eyebrow in response. –Wes.)

(I thought you had a girlfriend, David? –Blaine.)

(Oh please. HOW many weekends now have I kicked your ass in Halo? CLEARLY I am as pathetic as the rest of you and am in need of a little love and affection. And seriously, Kurt? Of all the Warblers here, who's more worthy of it because WHO gets hit with the gavel the most? WHO? –David.)

(Really, David, there's nobody to set you up with. I mean, there's Rachel, but she's…)

(You mean to say that the enchanting Miss Berry is unattached? Kurt, kindly put in a good word for me, would you? I was impressed with her…massive vocabulary and flawless grammar demonstrated by her Facebook updates. –Thad.)

(You've Facebook stalked Rachel? RACHEL? Thad, the girl's version of an ideal date is reciting all the Ali McGraw lines in _Love Story_. With a gay guy. –Kurt.)

(I don't mind being Oliver Barrett to her Jennifer Cavilleri. As long as she doesn't expire. Then I would be somewhat remiss. –Thad.)

(Hey! I thought we were past that! –Blaine.)

(Never. –Kurt.)

(Hey, can we focus here? I'm the one that actually deserves a girlfriend and isn't your best friend single, Kurt? Help a brother out! –David.)

(Gentlemen, please! This is a Warblers' meeting. Not an ad for EHarmony. –Wes.)

(Thank you, Wes. Do I LOOK like Patty Stanger to you? –Kurt.)

(Now, as a thank-you, Kurt, how about a proper introduction to that hot tamale on your old team. –Wes.)

(Hot Tamale? Judging you, Wes. Judging you hard –Kurt.)

(The last thing the world needs is Santana with access to a gavel. She has better aim than Wes. –Blaine.)

(I like this girl more and more. –Wes.)

(You two will make Boris and Natasha look like Nell and Dudley DoRight. –Kurt.)

(So you'll do it? Eeeeeexcellent. –Wes.)

(Wait, you're setting HIM up, but not ME? Thanks. Thanks A LOT. –David.)

(FINE! But when this all comes to a horrific and firey end? I warned every last one of you. – Kurt)

**3) When interacting with members of other clubs, the Warblers are expected to maintain the highest standards of personal dignity and decorum. This is especially true when members of the fairer sex are present**.

(Honestly you guys, my friends spend large amounts of time with Puck. The fact you don't attempt to seduce them with some variation of "you wanna hit this" will be impressive enough. – Kurt)

(It never hurts to be prepared. The Boys Scouts taught me that. – Thad)

(I was a Boy Scot once. And a Brownie. Until some brat got scared. – Blaine)

(I knew I liked you for a reason – Kurt)

To that end, the Council will approve any and all possible songs for both lyrical content and appropriateness. Songs that are automatically dismissed from consideration _are I Want Your Sex, Just Call Me Angel In the Morning, Lady Marmalade, When I Get You Alone_, and _Afternoon Delight_.

(Wait. _Afternoon Delight_? What's wrong with pie? – Blaine)

(Oh you baby penguin you. - Kurt)

(Honestly you two are going to ruin _March of the Penguins_ for me. And _Surf's Up_. And that's just not cool – Jeff)

(I'm beginning to get a little uncomfortable with your penguin fixation, Jeff. – Nick)

(Just a little uncomfortable? He's my roommate! I want a new room. –Trent)

**4) All interclub activities should take place at a neutral location to discourage the inclination for spying. No matter how horrible the actual spying attempt may be. It is also wise that any relationship with rival club members not begin until after competition season is over.**

(So you want me to fix you up with my friends so you can dump them when it's time for Sectionals? This does not seem like a viable way to get me to agree to this. – Kurt)

(It would, however, give Rachel more songwriting inspiration so she would quit asking me to date her again. – Blaine)

(Excellent point. –Kurt.)

**5) During competition season, while a competing club may in fact be a rival in name only, it is prudent for Warblers to remember they are competing for the pride of Dalton. Good sportsmanship is always appropriate but it would be for the best if Warblers do not engage in such activities such as screaming as if they were at a rock concert or running to tackle opposing team members.**

(That happened once. ONCE. And I told you, Mercedes winked at me. And don't think we all have forgotten your attempt at The Lambada with Santana at Breadsticks. – David)

(The Lambada? Oh Wes. You try that again and Santana will take Mr. Bangy and bounce. You'll be forever alone. – Kurt)

**6) The Lamaba is _always _appropriate.**

**7) It doesn't matter how attractive the opposing club is, we do not throw competitions to "score chicks."**

(I was joking. –Nick.)

(You lie. Like a dog. A BIG ONE! Beethoven! You lie like Beethoven –Jeff.)

(Jeff, do you watch any movies that are rated over PG? –Kurt.)

(Mother won't let me. –Jeff.)

(No _Moulin Rouge_? No _Rent_? No _Les Misérables_? No _Avenue Q_? No Hairspray? How do you even BREATHE! –Kurt.)

(You're forgetting the important thing here, Kurt. Do you even KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? HE'S NEVER SEEN _Lord of the Rings_! He doesn't even know WHY they call me a hobbit! He doesn't know what a hobbit looks like! –Blaine.)

(Or Viggo…he doesn't know about Viggo. Or Orlando Bloom. That is just pretty that one should not miss. And pretty much the only reason I paid attention to the movies. –Kurt.)

(Bite your tongue! _Lord of the Rings_ is more than a movie. It's…it's… -Thad.)

(It's a cesspool of geekery at its finest? –Theo.)

(Seriously, Jeff. Marathon at my place this weekend. By Sunday, you'll be writing hobbit slash fan fiction if I have anything to say about it. –Blaine.)

(Slash? What does that even mean? It sounds horrible. I'm sure Mother would disapprove. –Jeff.)

(What your mother doesn't know won't hurt her. –Blaine.)


	9. Chapter 9

**VIII. Song Selection Criteria**

In light of certain recent events, it is the overwhelming decision of the Council that what was once an obvious and fairly clear-cut topic needed to be included in this handbook. There have been many firsts in our much storied history: the first trip to Sectionals, the first trip to Regionals, the first trip to Nationals, the first mascot, the first Warblers' room, the first gavel….

(Wes, we talked about this. The more you talk about Mr. Bangy, the less chance you have with Santana – Kurt)

(Damn. Why didn't we think of that earlier? – David)

It was not without a great deal of pride there was no listing for "first group arrest of causing a public nuisance." Unfortunately, that record, which I would like to point out spanned through the not only the questionable morals of Prohibition, the outright flaunting of tradition in the sixties and the white collar training ground that certain portions of Dalton proved to be in the eighties, was broken when a certain junior Warbler soloist decided we needed to help him stalk the junior manager of the Gap. And I would just like to clarify the only reason the plan was agreed upon was due to the impression of the rest of the general membership had that said serenade would actually be directed at a fellow Warbler. We just thought the aforementioned soloist was incredibly bad at understanding the meaning of the word "surprise."

(Well that and Wes really wanted to hit the sale at the Gap that day. He needed to get a present for his girlfriend – Theo)

(Shopping on Valentine's Day at the Gap? No wonder she dumped you. – Kurt)

As it is reasonable to assume that we might have been let off with a warning if said song hadn't been considered "lewd" by both the Westerfield and Lima school boards, thereby banning it from airplay in any venue where children may be present, it seems most appropriate to lay out in no uncertain terms what types of songs are worthy to be performed in our much distinguished repertoire.

(Oh don't give us that look Blaine. You asked for this. – Kurt)

(I thought boyfriends were supposed to support each other – Blaine)

(I supported you even though Jeremiah was a bullfrog. This is for the good of the team. And aren't you all about the good of the team? – Kurt)

(You…no longer move me. – Blaine)

(Don't break up guys. Please don't break up. I don't want to choose sides and split my weekends. – Jeff)

**There is a time and an appropriate place for all song types. This must be respected and observed.**

As a general rule, the Council recognizes the value and appeal of doing a song that is more sexual in nature. Apparently at Crawford, the story of the 1975 performance of _Lady Marmalade_ is something of a legend. However that performance was done at a mixer between the schools and not in the middle of the mall. Performance venue must be considered in all final decisions about song selection.

**Certain genres just don't work.**

There is generally a positive value to find in even the most annoying song.

(_Friday, Friday, Friday, getting down on Friday. Everybody's waiting on the weekend, weekend_. – Jeff)

Except for _Friday._

(That was harsh. True but harsh – Nick)

(Great now I have to watch _Toy Story_ tonight. Thanks Wes. – Trent)

However certain genres do not lend themselves well to an all male choral arrangement. Among these are most Broadway standards (Honestly Kurt your face will freeze like that way one day), Disney Princess songs (Blaine, do I need to repeat what I just told Kurt to you?), Autotune the News for obvious reasons and most clearly Christian rock.

(PETRA! – Nick)

(The Historian would like the record to reflect the meeting stopped for twenty minutes while the rest of the Warblers severely mocked Warbler Nick –David)

**Lyrics should make sense**

No one wants a repeat of the 1969 debacle when after a performance of McArthur Park, a student of St. Catherine's Elementary asked who would leave a cake out in the rain and no one could answer her.

(Why would someone leave a cake out in the rain? – Thad)

(Especially one that took so long to bake – David)

(And if you'll never have that recipe again? – Kurt)

(It would eliminate the problem entirely if he just used a mix. –Blaine)

(You tedious fool! Cake mixes are for monkeys! –Thad)

(Well said, Thad! –Kurt)

(What's wrong with cake mixes? –Blaine)

(What's wrong with cake mixes? What's WRONG with CAKE MIXES? Oh Blaine, Blaine Blaine…where do I even begin with the wrongness of that statement? –Kurt )

(OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO – all the Warblers except Wes)

On a related note, future Presidents are strongly encouraged to institute a maturity provision in the membership eligibility.

**If lyrics are full of slang references, it is best to avoid to them.**

Just ask the 1992-1993Warblers when the wife of the then dean of students asked them to explain exactly what a "zoom zoom" and a "poom poom" was.

(So that's why the 1993-1994 records mention only hymns and songs written prior to 1945. I always wondered that. – David)

**Songs about sex toys should never be sung**.

By unanimous vote of the Council this shall now be known as the Anderson Example.

(Quit smiling. That's not something to be proud of. – Kurt)

(I have two rules. That's pretty darn awesome – Blaine)

(It is pretty cool. – Trent)

(Blaine, you're like famous! – Jeff)

(Try infamous – Kurt)

(Even better! – Blaine)

(Aaaand Puff the Magic Dragon is not going to frolic in MY mist any time soon. –Kurt.)

(_Puff the Magic Dragon_ is such a sad song…-Jeff)

(Kurt, quit looking at me like I'm Lex Luthor or something. Seriously? We'll bake this weekend…from scratch... –Blaine)

(No licking the spoon. –Kurt)

(That's the best part! –Blaine)

(I am NOT going to be responsible if you get food-poisoning from raw eggs. –Kurt)

(Puff the Magic Dragon, lived by the sea, and frolicked in the autumn mist in the land called Honalie…Little Johnny Paper…loved that dragon, Puff… -Jeff with Nick harmonizing.)

(I still don't know how Puff has ANYTHING to do with cake mixes… -Jeff)

(Ok…you know how we all thought Baby Penguins was there word for…um…non-PG-13-rated activities? Well, now, apparently it's _Puff the Magic Dragon_. You see…Puff isn't about a dragon…drag…is another word for weed…and now apparently…I reeeally don't want to finish this sentence. –Theo)

(Ohhhhhhhh –Jeff.)

(Wanna go Puff the Magic Dragon, Kurt? –Blaine)


	10. Chapter 10

**IX: Inter-Warbler Relationships**

**Romantic relationships**

There is no documentation indicating a romance between two Warblers in our records, but some pictures would implicate that it was at least possible in the past.

(They did wear bike shorts…-Kurt.)

(In public…-Theo)

(To emulate George Michael. –David)

(Who is awesome, but is as straight as I am tall. –Blaine)

(True statement is true. –Kurt)

However, in 1985, Warbler William Davenport and Warbler Richard McMurray were caught in a bathroom during Sectionals in Akron, and caused quite a scandal when Warbler Davenport was discovered half-nude with Warbler McMurray. Upon inquiry, both explained their state of undress as a precautionary measure searching for ticks, but pictures have since surfaced of the two living happily ever after in South Beach, Florida.

It is the unanimous view of this council that times being what they are, that should such a relationship develop between two Warblers, it need not be kept secret.

(Because really, guys, we were taking bets. –David.)

(I WON! –Jeff.)

(Is that why Wes has been doing your homework lately? –David.)

However, it is advisable that even though we have no interest in coming between the happiness of two fellow warblers, certain guidelines should be observed.

1) While we are a forward-thinking bunch and have no concerns about two men having a happy, healthy romantic relationship, there's no need to give us all cavities.

(Or sex-up break up songs. –Nick.)

(Or commence in massive amounts of eye-fuckage. –Thad.)

(Or break up. Ever. Because then I'd need therapy. SERIOUS THERAPY! –Jeff.)

2) Because Jeff is invested in the Blaine/Kurt relationship for some inexplicable reason and because we really don't need another meltdown, any issues between two Warblers, romantic or platonic, should be dealt with outside the Warbler's room. We do not need to waste valuable rehearsal time with angry glares, random blow-ups, and the entire team picking sides.

(I and my therapy bill thank you, Wes. –Jeff.)

(Not to mention Jeff might curl up into a fetal position and cry. I think everyone remembers the _Die Hard_ verses _Princess Bride_ debacle. –Nick.)

(Oh, by the way, Kurt, if you ever feel the need to go to the Blockbusters in Dalton Square Shopping Center in your uniform, just…don't. Thanks to the spectacle that resulted in their argument, we've been banned from the establishment for eternity. –David.)

(Gap...Blockbusters…anywhere else we're banned from? –Kurt)

(The Empire State Building in New York City. –Wes)

(Do I want to know? –Kurt)

(My older brother Caleb may or may not have tried to re-enact _King Kong_ back in 2000. –Blaine)

(I was prepared for some crazy explanation about how Trent tried to spit off of it or how Thad wanted to see what a quarter really looked like…but no…apparently…CLIMBING IS HEREDITARY! –Kurt.)

(Hey, why am I the spitter? –Trent)

(I have seen your lack of personal hygiene Trent, and it just…seemed to fit. –Kurt.)

**Platonic Relationships**

It is recommended that Warblers who room with non-Warblers keep Warbler happenings and plans to themselves.(See Section VII rule number 7, "What happens in the Warbler room stays in the Warbler room).

(And apparently we're in Fight Club and no one told me. –David.)

(Well, the first rule of Fight Club is you don't talk about Fight Club. –Theo.)

(Wes, you are no Brad Pitt. Or Edward Norton. –Kurt.)

(And you're no Angelina Jolie. Can we continue, please?)

It is imperative that all Warblers treat each other with respect. Hence the standard use of the title Warbler before each member's given name. This is to avoid repeating the potential group-ending infighting that has occurred when use of informal nicknames was allowed. I think we can all agree calling someone Warbler Lil Pony was asking a lot of our fellow brothers in song.

(Brothers? If we're a family, then Wes I'm not calling you Daddy. – David)

(I'm sure there is a perfectly good explanation for why he was called Warbler Lil Pony but I feel my life is complete without knowing it. –Kurt)

(Perhaps he bore a strong resemblance to Megan? –Blaine)

(I don't know what's more appalling. The fact that you remember that little detail about _My Little Pony, _or that I do. –Kurt.)

It is in the spirit of that respect for each other that we maintain standards of seniority and tradition. This helps ensure the Council is not accused of playing favorites and also helps defuse tensions between equally talented members. Suggestions and auditions from all members will be seriously considered. In the event both suggestions are equally valid, the suggestion from the senior member will be followed.

(In other words, we'll have a coin toss so long as Trent doesn't bring his two headed coin again. – Nick)

(You thought it was funny. – Trent)

(Yeah the first three times you made heads "Wes has dance like a chicken for ten minutes". Then I think he caught on and he started throwing the gavel. – Nick)

(It was still funny. – Trent)

(Yeah because you ducked. – Theo)

In a perfect world the bonds of brotherhood would prevent any disagreements from occurring. However we live in the real world….

(This is the true story…- Kurt)

(True story. – Blaine)

(Of seven strangers – David)

(Gentlemen I said the real world, not a craptastic train wreck.)

In the real world, disagreements happen and to preserve our sense of harmony the following protocols should be followed to maintain group unity.

First, the Warblers in question are strongly encouraged to work out any disputes in a mature fashion as befitting the high caliber of young men Dalton admits into its hallowed halls. If a compromise can not be reached, a mediator should be consulted. Ideally the mediator should be a Warbler who does not have a stake in the argument and can maintain a neutral position until both sides are heard.

(I want to state for the record just because I know a lot of girls and am friends with a lot of girls, I am not a girl so do not ask me to give a "woman's point of view" to help solve a problem because I'm "almost a girl". – Kurt)

(I back him up on the not a girl thing. –Blaine)

If a mediator is unsuccessful in negotiating a solution upon which all parties can agree, the matter may be brought up to the Council via the comment box the Secreta….Historian is responsible for checking after every meeting. Once the Council is fully briefed on the circumstances, it will attempt to come up with a way to settle the matter definitively.

(In other words, we be having a sing-off. –David)

(I don't want to have to choose! I'll be hurting someone's feelings! –Jeff.)

(You won't be voting, Jeff. The council will. –David)

(As long as Donald Trump doesn't own either of your souls, I can live with that. –Jeff).

In the event of a fellow Warbler departing the group, be it from graduation or due to other circumstances, it is important to note that, in the eyes of this council, once a Warbler, always a Warbler, and will be beholden to the privileges and responsibilities therein.

(Because it's also the mob. –Thad.)

(A singing and dancing mob. –David.)

(And Wes will make you an offer you can't refuse. –Blaine.)

(And introduce you to his Little Friend. –Kurt.)

(Dirty Joke Alert! Dirty Joke Alert! –Thad and Nick.)

(How is that dirty? What if his friend is short like Blaine? – Jeff)

(Only, can young Marlon Brando be our boss? Because Old Marlon Brando…just…ew. –Nick.)

(Honestly, are you positive they're _all_ straight?- Kurt)


	11. Chapter 11

**You all don't even know how much fun we had with this whole series...so glad you all enjoyed it even a fraction of the amount we had creating it. LOVE YOU ALL!**

**X. Frequently Asked Questions**

**Q. How badly does Wes need to get laid?**

A. What's that ? You feel like slipping from my hand?

**Q. Why exactly do we irrationally hate kazoos?**

A. In 1934, the Warblers performed for patients at the Cincinnati Children's Hospital. Irrationally rebelling against the years of accapella tradition that is our hallmark, the membership accepted the nurse's offer to play kazoos with the patients due to some ridiculous notion people shouldn't disappoint sick children. As the members walked down the steps with some of the patients, playing the kazoos as they walked, a particularly clumsy third tenor tripped and started a particularly disastrous domino effect. Medicine in the 1930s being what it was, some were never able to have the kazoos removed.

**Q. You make all of these great tragedies up right? To satisfy some deep psychological control issues?**

A. The historical records are there. All you need to do is read them. I stand by our tragic yet ultimately triumphant history.

(Thad, quit loaning him your thesaurus! – David)

**Q. So wait, we aren't allowed to do Spice Girls but all other girl groups are ok?**

A. So long as certain members realize they are, in fact, not black women, then yes. Girl group music is particularly well suited for our arrangements.

**Q. How badly does Wes need to get laid?**

A. Do you still want to be the Historian David? Because I can make it an official Warbler rule that your position is to be known henceforth as the Secretary.

**Q. The unbroken chain of warblers….you don't like have them in a closet just waiting for one to die or a new member to arrive or anything do you? 'Cause that would be a little creepy.**

A. The exact way we procure new mascots when they meet unfortunate demises is a subject only discussed by the Council.

(One of the our Warbler alums runs a pet store. He gives us a discount. – David)

**Q. Why the disco hate? Do you have something against The Bee-Gees?**

the contributions The Bee-Gees have made to harmony structure goes unquestioned, as a whole, disco is loud, obnoxious, inane and encourages irresponsible fashion choices. Even in periods of ironic revival. What exactly is there to like?

**Q. Why exactly do you know all these random events from Warblers' s history?**

A. A good president always does his research.

(A dumped President spends his weekends holed up in the practice room obsessively reading history books to distract himself from the fact that he got dumped via singing telegram. – David)

(T o the tune of _These Boots are Made For Walking_. –Thad)

(OW! Hey! Thad was talking too, you know! – David)

(You were closer. –Wes)

**Q. Is that….**_**an outfit**_** on the gavel?**

A. Mr. Bangy gets cold.

(I know it was you, Fredo. –Blaine)

(Oh my GOD! Blaine is short! Dustin Hoffman is short! There is a joke that is just waiting to happen, but for the life of me I can't figure out what it is. –David)

(Hey, just because I happen to be the handiest with the sewing machine, why do you immediately assume I'm the one responsible? –Kurt)

(Because obvious conclusion is obvious? –Theo)

(Wes said he'd get Blaine unbanned from The Gap if I didn't go with it! –Kurt)

**Q. At the risk of getting hit again, Kurt can't you move faster on this setting Wes up thing, cause really how badly does Wes need to get laid?**

A. And you wonder why you know Mr. Bangy so well.

(I'm working on it David, but these things take time. And Santana hasn't received his credit score yet. – Kurt)

(712 –Wes.)

**Q. Cartoon theme songs. Brilliant choice for Sectionals next year yes?**

A. _The Flintstones_ theme yes. _Scooby Doo_? No due to Scooby's questionable stance on illicit substances. _Animaniacs_? No due to their encouragmenet of mischief-making and the Bill Clinton reference. _Tiny Toons?_ Yes.

(Wes is Brain. – Nick)

(Does that make David or Thad Pinky? – Blaine)

(David does ask Wes what they're going to do tonight an awful lot. – Trent)

(Just for that, the next time I won't ruin his evil plans. – David)

(They're Pinky and the Brain. Pinky and the Brain. One is a genius. The other insane – Jeff)

**Q. Why exactly is this room the Warblers' room? It's not exactly….well-equipped for practices.**

A. Fireplaces and leather couches are essential to finding proper harmonic pitch.

(I fault no part of that argument – Kurt)

(Duck Tails….woo hoo…..tales of daring, do good and good luck tails…..- Jeff)

(I knew discussing the cartoon question was a bad idea. – Wes)

**Q. How exactly are the impromptu performances arranged?**

A. Songs for impromptu performances are rarely songs the Warblers would perform in competition. As such, roughly a quarter of all practice sessions shall be devoted to perfecting these songs. (A lighter tone does not excuse sloppy harmonies and a lack of precision). Impromptu performances shall only occur on days that fall between the 8th and 23rd of the month. And they shall also always happen before the first lunch period for maximum exposure. The exact date of all impromptu performances will be easily available to all Warblers via the yearlong calendar of events distributed at the start of the school year.

(So we plan "impromptu" performances? – Kurt)

(A truly spontaneous performance may require some members to miss. You have a weak melody once, and it's a slippery slope to kazoo hell my friend – Wes)

(Chip…Chip and Dale – Jeff)

(RESCUE RANGERS – Blaine and Jeff)

(Oh great now they're both singing. This is not going to end well. – Thad)

**Q. Who let the dogs out?**

A. Who? Who? Who? Who?

(Oh Gaga. Awkward rapping. Yet another thing I thought I left behind at McKinley – Kurt)

**Q. Do ya think I'm sexy?**

A. If I did I would let you know.

(And you all wonder why everyone thinks Dalton is a gay Hogwarts! – Kurt)

**Q. Do you really want to hurt me?**

A. Not me, but Mr. Bangy? Lives for it.

**Q. Have you ever really loved a woman?**

(NO! – Blaine and Kurt)

**Q. How many more of these song titles can we get away with before Wes throws Mr. Bangy again?**

A. Does this answer your question?

(OW! Seriously WHY ME? – David)

**Q: Are Kurt and Blaine the only gay Warblers?**

A: Define gay.

(It means happy. –Jeff)

(He means it in the Ellen DeGeneres since of the word. –Nick.)

(She's happy! –Jeff)

(You have much to learn, young Padawan. –Nick)

(Oh, Homo-wan Kenobi! You're my only hope! –Blaine)


End file.
